Call the LionHeart Helpline

UK: 0800 009 2960 or +44 (0)121 289 3300

Request a callback

Close

Things I learnt about grief this year

daffs
03-12-2024

What is that age old saying about the only certain things in life being death and taxes? Losing people you love is an awful yet unavoidable certainty that 100% of us will go through at some point. So it’s surprising in some ways that as a society we still don’t seem to talk about loss that much. But I think we should, because it helps.

I’ll begin this blog by saying that I’m not particularly sure that I’m ‘qualified’ to be talking about grief (but who is?) Sadly, I’ve had a fair bit of practice - but unlike many things in life, practice definitely doesn’t make perfect/ easier to handle. I am also acutely aware that, this time round, I’m less than a year into this particular journey of loss. I lost my mum in February, a heartbreaking, mind-bendingly fast three weeks after a terminal cancer diagnosis, so there are some significant ‘firsts’ and the spectre of Christmas looming large ahead.

Actually, this blog didn’t start out as a blog at all, more a collection of notes I gathered along the way because I’ve always found writing to be quite cathartic. Still, with Grief Awareness Week on the horizon and my own search history full of random ‘is it normal to….’ questions, I wondered if my musings might just help someone else if they wondered what was normal when it came to grief and the sneaky little ways it deals its sucker punches.

Which brings me on to the first thing I’ve learnt.

There is no ‘normal’ and no timeline
Everybody experiences loss differently. And the same person can feel different losses differently. I grieved hard for my dad, but the loss of my mum has hit me in an altogether different way. I felt differently again when I lost my best friend several years earlier.

What makes grief so difficult to navigate is the sheer unpredictability of the way you feel it, from day to day, even in a single day! Those bone-crushing, lung-squashing moments can come out of nowhere and pull the rug from underneath you all over again. There are triggers that seem obvious, of course - significant dates, a certain song, the rows of Mother’s Day cards and flowers that seem to accost you when you go shopping.
It’s the more random seeing a grandad swinging a child by the arms, the ‘I must tell mum this!’ moments - the ones that creep up and get you with no warning.
And, I’m sorry to tell you, but there seems to be no expiry date on those ones either. Like a game of snakes and ladders, some days you’ll be progressing through the squares of this grief game just as you think you ‘should’. But then, out of nowhere, you’ll stumble on a slippery great snake and end up going backwards.

Anticipatory grief can be as hard as the ‘real’ thing
I can remember vividly being told my mum had lung cancer. The following day, we were told it had spread ‘significantly’. The crap news kept rolling fast, after that; so fast that it was only three dizzying weeks from diagnosis to death, taking away any decisions about how we might cope and care for her if she got home.

That not knowing - that absolute fear of the unknown - can be as hard if not harder than what follows. The final few days of hospice care (should we stay? Should we go? Does she know we’re here? Will it be today? Does she look a bit better today? Have they got it all wrong, actually?!) were exhausting.
We lurched from dreading it being ‘over’, to willing it to be calm and peaceful, and that rollercoaster of emotions is a tough one to ride.

Grief is tiring
The amazing hospice nurses called it grief fatigue. It can affect you physically and emotionally.
It’s also possible to be physically and emotionally exhausted yet completely unable to sleep, with night the time that your mind allows itself to think of all the things you’ve put to one side during the day - or the time that you suddenly remember something you really need to do.
Which brings me onto….

The never-ending admin
The administration that goes with a bereavement (‘deadmin’, as one colleague called it) is a seemingly never-ending dance of bureaucratic form filling and phone calls. The frustration of it, wrapped up as it is in emotion, has almost broken me on occasion; some organisations do make it as painless as possible but others send you on an impossible ‘computer-says-no’ merry-go-round. (And what I think about the process of probate, house selling and solicitors could be a whole other blog, although maybe one I’d have to censor for an audience of surveyors.)

The only piece of advice I can give is to take a step back and remember that this is a long dance - so be kind to yourself if you simply can’t face answering that email or making that call today.
Make a list, break it up however works for you, and remember that in the grand scheme of things, doing something tomorrow instead of today probably isn’t going to make much difference.

The gut/grief connection
So most people know that grief can bring an array of real, physical symptoms. Less well-known but also apparently quite common is the impact it can have on your stomach and digestive system - from loss of appetite, nausea, ‘nervous stomach syndrome’ through to stomach cramps and IBS type symptoms.
Who knew?

Like losing an anchor
I don’t know why but there seems to be something quite profound about losing your final/ only parent. How can something leave you feeling so simultaneously old and knackered, yet so childlike and incapable of adulting?
The only way I can describe it is that it’s like losing a kind of anchor that’s been there your whole life. When it’s gone, you feel a bit adrift.

Grief and work
There is no one size fits all approach to grief and work. Of course it will depend on the nature of what you do, but some workplaces are brilliantly human and some just….aren’t. Some people feel unable to function and need some time out, for others it is a welcome distraction or slice of normality - and then there’s something in between where you’re not quite sure what you need or want.
For me, the time I really needed flexibility was in my mum’s final days. I’ll never forget messaging my manager to say, I just can’t do today, I feel a bit broken, and getting the response to take everything day by day, or even hour by hour if I needed to. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
If you are a manager and you can offer this flexibility, never under-estimate the impact that quiet kindness can have at a frankly rubbish and painful time.
(You can find out more about grief and work in our Understanding Bereavement in the Workplace webinar.)

Try and go with the ebb and flow
Grief, they say, comes and goes in waves. There are a lot of water analogies, actually. Our youth counselling partners talk about children ‘puddle jumping’ in and out of grief  - but it’s not a bad analogy for any age. It seems to be the brain’s way of protecting us.
So those raw emotions will ebb and flow. Sometimes, the tide laps at you in a gentle but incessant way. And other times it’ll knock you off your feet.

You might have an uncontrollable/ inappropriate urge to giggle. You might feel the need to swear at the hospital car parking machine that’s refusing to recognise your number plate. You might just want to do something normal, or you might want to spend three hours poring over old photos. The tears might come and just not want to stop; or they might dry up and refuse to come at all for a bit.
The point is, there are no rules as to how you might feel, so - as someone wiser than me said - try to be at least a little bit gentle with yourself, at least some of the time. 


And finally. It does help to talk/ or muse/ or write. You don’t get to park grief, because those snakes have a habit of lying in wait.
If you need someone to talk to, the team at LionHeart are a pretty amazing bunch. I'm not sure how I'd have got through the year without 'em. 

Hayley Draper is Communications Manager for LionHeart.

Useful links

Latest Posts

2024
December
3rd - Things I learnt about grief this year
November
4th - An 'ask' from the LionHeart chair
October
16th - Understanding OCD – and how therapy can help
10th - The conversations that can change lives
September
16th - Help! I'm a new graduate surveyor!
10th - Starting the conversation around suicide
August
23rd - Do you know your numbers?
July
31st - My dad, the alcoholic
May
24th - Introducing LionHeart's new CEO
9th - Moving more for your mental health
March
21st - Being a surveyor with ADHD
13th - Life after brain injury
February
5th - How youth counselling helped us
2023
November
22nd - Living with an invisible illness
9th - What makes a good trustee?
1st - Things you must do as a final year surveying student!
October
4th - Dyslexia in surveying
September
28th - Reflecting on 12 years at LionHeart
13th - New beginnings and how to embrace them
5th - Losing a sibling to suicide
July
5th - Celebrating one year alcohol-free
April
25th - Caring for someone with MS
20th - How to set boundaries at work
February
17th - 'Calling LionHeart was like being thrown a life jacket'
6th - Spotlight on winter fundraising
3rd - Facing cancer
2022
November
14th - Identifying and dealing with workplace bullying
October
13th - Why make a will?
12th - Living with OCD
3rd - Autism and my road of discovery
September
22nd - Frequently asked questions about LionHeart
August
25th - 25 years of LionHeart
11th - 'Stress caused me permanent disability'
July
18th - Diversifying our board, and why
May
18th - Coaching to unlock a new future
12th - How to help your lonely teen
9th - Asking for help - as the helper
April
28th - Why talking about dying is so important
7th - 9 simple ways to cut stress
March
23rd - Living & succeeding with ADHD
16th - 'I came to see how much of my life was run on adrenaline'
February
10th - "My daughter didn't want to be here any more"
4th - My life-changing cancer diagnosis
January
13th - Reassessing how you drink
4th - Looking to the future
2021
November
19th - How alcohol almost cost me everything
18th - Children's grief and how to help
16th - Alcohol, anxiety and how secrets keep you sick
4th - "I had no idea stress could cause a real physical pain"
October
22nd - 5 ways to get your teen talking
18th - The Positives of Menopause
13th - Baby loss and depression
12th - The pandemic's impact on children's mental health (and what we can do about it)
8th - Don't judge a book - a story of depression and change
5th - LionHeart Back to Work support
September
29th - Post APC submission
16th - How families feel youth mental health
June
24th - 6 top tips if you've been referred
May
20th - Coaching for change
12th - I'd hit absolute bottom - but it was the catalyst to seek help
April
22nd - Spring into action by fundraising for LionHeart
March
4th - Reflecting on university mental health
February
15th - My experiences of counselling
January
20th - Worry Time - and how it helps
18th - My furlough & redundancy journey
13th - Volunteering and LionHeart
2020
November
30th - A road to change
2nd - Trusteeship through lockdown and uncertainty
October
12th - The importance of legacies
10th - Overwhelm - and overcoming it
8th - Lockdown and my mental health
September
28th - Creativity at Work
July
20th - Video
June
24th - 'If I can do it, so can you'
22nd - How to ace your APC interview online
8th - Help! I've been referred... what now?
3rd - Your coronavirus concerns, and how we're helping
May
12th - How coronavirus might be affecting your mental health
12th - Managing health anxiety through Covid-19 - and how we helped Mike
March
31st - Rising to the coronavirus challenge
24th - Keep connecting - in a different way
13th - Demonstrating our impact
February
4th - "Cancer wasn't meant to happen to us"
4th - The Big C and grabbing life
January
30th - My journey as a charity trustee
7th - Top 10 tips for CVs and interviews
2019
December
9th - Grief and loss at Christmas
November
7th - Charity trusteeship
6th - How counselling can help manage stress
October
9th - Living with anxiety and depression
July
10th - How coaching can help
May
16th - Changing attitudes to mental health
15th - The vicious circle of body image & mental health
14th - Social Anxiety & how we can help
April
11th - Life with Parkinson's
March
29th - What is Bipolar?
29th - The one about the Bipolar surveyor...
12th - Memory tips from the training front line
January
22nd - Losing a parent
2018
December
7th - LionHeart's support was a game-changer when I failed APC
August
16th - When the reality of motherhood doesn't quite go to plan
July
10th - The story behind surveying's Sisterhood Summit
2nd - The rollercoaster of being a first-time dad
June
22nd - My father's suicide and what I've learnt
14th - Tips for your RICS APC final assessment interview
7th - Trust in the charity sector
May
21st - Is it really okay to not be okay?
April
17th - Building resilience through your APC
January
8th - 7 ways to get more active this year
2017
December
4th - Coping with loss and grief at Christmas
October
5th - "I was told I might not be cut out to be a surveyor"
September
26th - Resilience, and why we need it
August
21st - APC Revision Top Ten Tips
July
12th - LionHeart on new fundraising code of practice
June
19th - Living with 'invisible' illness
14th - How LionHeart helped us live life
13th - Men's Health Week 2017
May
22nd - Living with panic attacks
18th - Why we must care about work life balance
11th - The chicken-and-egg of mental health and shame
February
2nd - What I learnt from Dry January
January
31st - "My 19-year journey to MRICS is what made me"
5th - Ways to be kind to yourself in 2017
2016
September
7th - Suicide prevention
August
1st - Coping with APC stress
July
13th - "I constantly watch my husband for suicidal signs"
May
26th - Dealing with referral at APC Final Assessment
19th - How mindfulness can help your relationships
18th - "I live, and thrive, with depression"
17th - Men and mental health
16th - Mental health and your relationship
April
26th - Starting out in surveying
March
11th - A happy retirement
February
1st - My Dry(ish) January
January
21st - Spring clean your finances
6th - When to consider couples counselling
2015
December
4th - Having a (financially) healthier Christmas
November
18th - How to help a loved one with an addiction
June
15th - Reflections on the Lionheart Surveyors' Football League season
12th - Carers
10th - How LionHeart can support carers
9th - Desktop Relaxation techniques
May
29th - Techniques to help combat anxiety
20th - Helping a family member with depression
18th - Achievements that make a difference
16th - Five things that may indicate your colleague needs help
11th - Helping during a panic attack